Love Lost

Love lost

        The fundamental basis of our beings is rooted in love or the lack of it. Love is that thing every heart longs for and never wants to be deprived of.  In my life I’ve found love to be manifested through the basic relationships that life awards us. For me those are spiritual, familial, romantic, and friendly.  As a people, I find that our focus has been shifted to be consumed in every element of romantic love with friendship as a very close second. We are so absorbed with the gains and loses of these categories of love that we sometimes have a lack of appreciation for the love that has always been there, maintaining us every step of the way in every season of our lives. That familial and spiritual love. The focus today is familial love.

       It took me quite some time to realize how blessed I had been to gain such an incredible love at birth. I was born into two of the most loving families. Generations of close-knit, visible love. Cousins are just cousins. No one counts seconds or thirds. I love you’s, hugs, and kisses are always prevalent. Every life is celebrated. It has been my life expectation that this love would always be present. Those that were with me from the beginning would always be there. They were my for sure forevers. Of course I had seen and heard of the passing of great aunts and uncles. I had even attended their funerals. I had witnessed their love and been saddened by their passing. But, in those moments their age and sickness had always given my family members and myself immediate peace.

        That all changed for me this past mother’s day. I lost love. Love that had always been there. A present love that was supposed to, in my eyes, be here and available for so much longer. My Aunt Zeda had unexpectedly passed  and the world of everyone that knew her came crumbling down. I remember wondering why it was taking her so long to respond to my “Happy Mother’s Day” text. She was normally prompt.  The answer came a few hours later. I never knew that love could hurt so bad. That the loss of it could make you feel like someone had placed a ton of bricks on your chest and let it sit there but then decided that wasn’t enough, so they would add a ton more. Love lost is this crushing feeling that knocks the breath out of you. It’s the greatest heart wrenching feeling that will make you feel like someone has actually reached in and ripped a piece of your heart out. It consumes you and makes you remember all that person was to you. It confuses you and makes you ask God why and eventually it sobers you in appreciation and causes you to say “Thank you Lord for allowing me to have been loved by and have had the blessed opportunity to love such an incredible being.”

XO,

Courtney

 

12 thoughts on “Love Lost

  1. I can’t pretend to know how Zedas passing affected you as family but i know that whole period of confusion and misinformation affected me entirely. The thought that it may have been your mother devastated me. I feel that the relief I felt finding out it was Zeda and not your mom diminished that feeling only to bring it right back as i have known Zeda just as long and the thought was so final. May she rest in peace.

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  2. Meagan will be coming in for Christmas, as an aunt to her and cousin to you, I am exceeding proud of you two. Merry Christmas to you and the family, Love and blessings.

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    1. Awww! Tell her hello for me please! Thank you so very much Cousin Mary! That means the world! Same to you and the family! Sending love, hugs, and praying for blessings!❤️🤗❤️

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  3. To my dear Courtney.. I feel the heart hurt daily wishing I can call Zeda and see her. But Meme reminds me that Zeda is at peace. She will never be forgotten.. we shall see her again.
    Love you- Auntie Lois

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    1. Aunt Lois, that reminder has truly been most comforting! Knowing that she is at peace is what has given me peace! Never never never forgotten! Love you more!❤️❤️❤️

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  4. My sweet friend Court. Tears came to my eyes as I read your words. Grief has a way a revealing so much to us. And like you stated, it also has a way of developing a greater appreciation for the Creator of love and those God has blessed us to love. My heart hurts for you during this time of loss, but my prayer is that you may know and feel God’s comfort. Praying for you. Love you much. ❤️

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